Castles on Quicksand

DSCN4347We all have wishes. Some are not really important, some are strong. Some are fulfilled, some never see the light of day because we keep them in a secret place stored far from anyone to see. Some we are even ashamed of. Wishes make us go on and strive. They let us evolve. And they are never alike.

 

Do you have something tugged neatly into a safe place in one of the rooms of your soul? A wish you try to forget that lives there, you even try to kill it? But it seems to have such a life force that you’re completely powerless? It’s larger than you? Then, hold on to it I’d say. But only if…

 

It’s that one magic moment after which there’s no going back. The second all pieces of your puzzle fall at their place and you see the whole picture for the first time. The intake of breath which makes you know exactly where you belong. The blink of an eye in which you look fear in the face and just don’t care.

 

It can be anything. The one thing you want to have or all you want to be or the one you love more than your life.

 

DSCN4420But it must be the one thing you want so much, you can’t imagine a thing you wouldn’t do to get there. You’d rather die than not have it. Even if you don’t think it will be granted because it seems so far out of reach, so unrealistic, that all common sense just shakes its head and watches you with pity. But if your heart and soul don’t speak the language reason does, if they won’t listen, then clutch it with all your might.

 

It hurts, it cuts, it rips you apart? It’s the end of you? Yes maybe, but believe me, there is beauty along with the pain. You can’t see this? Not now? I know.

 

I have it, too. Not yours, but mine. This one thing that runs in my blood and posseses each and every cell of my body. It’s always there, while I walk through the day, while I sail through the night. I can’t escape. I can’t let go, even though – no matter how many knots I tie into that rope – there’s nothing to hold on. It’s just like building castles in quicksand. Like swimming in white water and choosing to deny the rapids.

 

I’m captured by it. It chains me. It drowns me in rain, and binds my voice so that it always feels like screaming under water. Holding it loosely in my hands it still cuts my skin. It fragments me and then I crawl on the floor trying to put all those pieces that make me back together but somehow they never fit.

 

It even has me scared that I let the beast from its chain and there won’t be a thing to stop it from eating me alive. But the beast has a beauty of its own, one I might never have discovered hadn’t I fallen for it.

 

It’s simple. It’s pure. In the very sense. And that’s it.

 

DSCN4487Even in our world filled to the brink with temptations that whisper “buy me and you’ll be happy” there is still something I wish for so much that nothing else really matters. Its fulfillment wouldn’t bring me riches, health or other earthly goods. I can’t even be sure if it would bring me happiness. But I don’t mind.

 

It’s not what it’s about. In fact I don’t really know why this is more important to me than anything else, why it means the world to me. I just know it does. I’d give anything, I’d even take a bullet to get there. I know I never wanted anything that much. And that’s as frightening as beautiful. It’s completely overwhelming me.

 

It’s like a light at the end of the tunnel but then you don’t know what you’ll find there. And no matter how much it hurts to wish for it and not getting any closer to it, wishing for something so much that it takes away my selfishness has made me a better person. And in the end that’s all life should be about.

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