I’m Ms. not-perfect, a misfit, a rebel with a cause. I grew up to the sermon “you’ll never get anywhere, you’re no good, you won’t achieve a thing”. It took me half a life to understand that these words repeatedly spoken by my father were rooted in his own sad and punishing feeling of inadequacy, in his insecurities and low self-esteem. Wrong as he was, yet there is some truth about it.
I’m never enough and then too much.
I’m too emotional, too outspoken, too sensitive. I’m easily hurt.
I think too much and talk too fast. Often I even want too much and get in my own way a lot. I struggle to change but still it happens that I make others uncomfortable by being direct, by expressing my feelings, simply by speaking my mind.
I can’t stand injustice. I’m no fan of power. I can’t see others or animals suffer. I always try to save everything and everyone, sometimes even those who don’t want to be saved at all. And then I stand astounded why I have been rejected so sharply.
My opinions rarely put me in the majority group. To make it worse I fight for them. Even if I don’t stand a chance.
I’m not rocket scientist smart, not brilliant. I can’t dance. I’m no walking Wikipedia, not beautiful. I’m not even competitive. And my advice might not always be good.
When I love I do it with all my heart and soul and mind, with all I am. Apart from hurting myself this way, experience has taught me how frightening it can be for the other one. But then, I can’t be who I’m not. The depth of my feelings is my truth, probably the core of who I am.
When I love I have your back, no matter what. I cross every desert, swim every ocean, take each bullet, put myself in the storm and the fire – for you.
So, Ms. not-perfect is not enough but way too much.
I came a long way on a road less travelled before I learned to accept me for who I am, to start to like me for it and then to love myself.
I know it takes courage to love. It may even take more courage to let you be loved by me. It may feel unsafe, too intense, too… But my love asks for nothing except for you to take me as I am. Take all of me or none at all.
The world is full of better choices, sure. And I have not much to offer except the riches of my feelings.