I’m not one of those who look back and judge and make resolutions for the next year. Then, maybe I am, or rather, maybe the older I get the more likely I’m to do so.
2012 has been a rough year for me. I lost on many battlefields life held for me, I lost more than I at times seemed able to bear. I gained, too. There were some highlights that took my breath away, moments that turned out in a way I never expected them to. But at the end of the day, it’s not so much about loosing or winning. I knew that before, but have I ever felt it like walking the path I traveled this year?
In my German mothertongue we have a powerful word for “disappointment”: ENTTÄUSCHUNG. It stems from “being deceived by”, and between its lines lingers the meaning of reaching the end of being deceived by someone. Seen this way, the word itself has less negative but a much more positive meaning. There is the taste of breaking the chains that held you hostage, the smell of freedom, the gentle touch of a new sun.
We might not always see this positive side of the disappointment while we’re engulfed in the hurt someone causes by deceiving us, especially in that moment we recognize the betrayal that was done to us by someone we believed we could trust. We might even sometimes hurt ourselves further by telling us we should have seen it coming, and how could we ever have been so blind.
But then, we should not forget that we have to sow to be able to reap one day. And of course we can’t know what the harvest will bring, a lot might happen in between. There may be thunderstorms, frost, floodings, drought, hail, but chances are the mixture of rain and sun will be just right and our fragile plants grow into beautiful flowers.
Yes, we have to trust to open the gates for betrayal. But we also have to trust to open them for love. We have to accept the risk because otherwise we are no more than an empty shell of dead skin.