Allgemein, life, love, philosophy

Thought Splatter

I spent days in seclusion, letting myself be adrift with the wind and the waters. I finally had time to think and feel, and it wasn’t always pleasant what surfaced like bubbles and burst into consciouness. The island and the sea were my unexpected muse, my thoughts shattered glass breaking the sunrays into a spectre of light. Fragments I decided to let survive:

…The air is humid like in South Carolina and hot like in Savannah. In the evening big, black crabs hurry across the steps that lead down to the sea. If you touch them they roll themselves into an egglike ball and play dead…

…The water is silky and warm in a gentle way, and clean as glass…

…Not far away is a small beachbar where they make fresh lemonade that reminds me of Florida, and they serve delicious food…

…It’s easy to see why … loves it so much here. The island has a gentleness and a kindness about it that makes me calm and slows me down. The landscape is amazing. Rolling green hills, steep cliffs, on the other side endless beaches, around the next corner an explosion of blossoms as colorful as sweet the smell …

“…We can hope that this vacation in such a pretty place can provide color for your memories that will make them forever pleasant…” says …

…Today I drove through a landscape with winding roads, high mountains and dramatic cliffs falling several hundred meters straight into the sea so deep blue as if bottomless. The roads were narrow and winding along the mountains with no rails that one moment of wandering concentration could make you fall several hundred meters so that I, being a skilled and experienced driver, got anxious. But the views were worth it. And the goats that were climbing the mountains as if gravity were an unproven theory, not a fact…

…This evening I had dinner at a nice little restaurant were I sat on the terrace that is built on a small cliff so that you can look at the sea and watch the sky go all purple as the sun sinks. It was very nice and relaxing and I was very American starting a conversation with people at the next tables and so making everyone talk to each other in the end…

…I wish I had came here with my mother. But she always went on vacation with her best friend after my father had died, so it never  really came to her or my mind to travel together. This morning I thought of this, of all the lost opportunities, of us never having done things like that, not like other mothers with their daughters, and there I was, crying over coffee and buttered rolls…

…Right now I sit on my balcony. The crickets are singing their song, the sea is softly rolling. It’s 9:30 pm and still warm enough to wear nothing…

…But I occasionally do think of … . And I do feel these energy waves every now and then when I’m the most relaxed and close to dosing off in the sun. … is a presence though like a dissipating fog at the far corners of my mind…

“…I wonder if she even knew you appreciate the beauty in nature.  I wonder if she knew how much you love the water.  I wonder if she knew how beautifully you can use words to describe what you see and what you feel.  It’s a pity that she didn’t know you any better than she did.  She missed out on a lot…” comments … who became my living diary…

…I’ll go on being gentle with myself like … advised. My soul is a very fragile construction – still. Hopefully it’ll mend…

…This was a lazy day. I walked through dunes and then the beach until I reached this pristine stretch where there was not much more than sands and calm waters in all shades of blue and green…

…Now the sounds of someone playing a guitar are sailing on the gentle winds, the melody being carried away and then again as close as the night sky with its many stars…

…The island is a muse. There’s no way to describe things and not be poetic. I can’t imagine why almost no artists come here to work… If … were still friends with me, I’d recommend a visit here. But the last person … wants to hear anything from now is probably me…

…Maybe it’s a place to heal here, but then I haven’t really started to, or possibly I just can’t see it yet…

…This morning dark clouds raced the sky, a little frayed at the edges. The wind ruffled my hair like feathers of the young bird I’m not anymore since too many years. I drove to the main city of the island only to realize it’s too loud, too crowded, too hectic for me…

…I took a moment to pray to a god who is not mine. But sometimes I don’t need to be religious to reach out to a higher wisdom to listen and soothe me. All the time I had thought … broke my heart. Wrong. … walked away with it…

…Today the waves were high. They crashed onto shore, raging loudly, swallowing most of the beach in one. People sat amazed at the beachbar, watching the waters rise and reach out up to their toes. And I wondered why the sea was so angry…

…And my wandering thoughts, so restless under these stary skies… I wonder did … ever mean anything she said to me? Or was I just a pawn sacrifice?…

…Love is a losing game, and laying the cards on the table showing hearts a bravery that invites punishment for some…

…”As with the … wound I told you about, it’s possible that you’re beginning to heal without realizing it.  It isn’t something you can try to do, certainly.  Healing is something that happens when the conditions are right… Where you are, with rest, relaxation, and your innate hunger for beautiful scenery and new places and nature, I would expect healing to happen for you.  An important element in my healing was to avoid re-injuring the…  You probably need to do something similar in a mental or emotional way… It’ll happen when the conditions are right, and I’ll bet they are.  I’m so glad that you have this chance to accomplish so much at the same time your goal is to relax and unwind.  It may be just the “paradise” your soul needs.” … reassures me like the mother should that I have no more.

…Tonight the wind and the sea are in competition: who can howl louder? But the crickets win. They always do….

…As I sit and watch the sea that is as churned up as I am I realize I was a toy. And I didn’t see it, or didn’t want to notice. For years I let … play with me until … got bored, threw the toy in a corner, choose a different one. Now … is …’s toy, and it shouldn’t bother me because … will be just one more toy in a row for a certain time as well. But it does. It bothers me. I’m as angry as the choppy sea that howls at me. And sad. Probably a lot more sad. And I remember the day … said to me “I don’t hurt people, not on purpose”. Today it’s hard to hold on to the hope that this was truth and not just a misconception of a lonely soul…

…It’s not fair. I have a heart, a soul, and both got badly bruised, and I never asked for it. And as soon as this thought passed through my mind and sailed away on the night breeze the anger died like a flame without oxygen. One flame while the other still burns. And I fear that … got so deep under my skin that I’ll never be able to let go. I fear that … is in my blood…

…Today the waters were calm, the wind a gentle lover on my bare skin. Those shades of greenish blue and turquoise make my heart melt. When the sea wears these colors it could ask anything of me, and I wouldn’t even hesitate for the blink of an eye…

…The night is a little cooler than those before but the crickets are singing as if they don’t know it. I bought a table lantern for my balcony. Now the flame sways with the breeze, throws dancing shadows on the wall. I think of all the people I lost in my life, and missing them is a dull pain lingering at the bottom of my heart. I wish I wouldn’t miss …

…Walking is a way to think. When I’m alone with myself, monotonously taking step after step, my string of consciousness or subconsciousness uninterrupted, I can let my mind be adrift and sail to conclusions. And between breathtaking views and listening to the sounds of the sea I thought maybe … will never ever talk to me again. And should sometime somewhere we meet again by accident or circumstance … might barely give me a glance and a frozen greeting hoping that I finally understand that … doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. And as I looked at the turquoise spots in the deep blue water and the white boats anchored in a bay that is so shielded that it’s like a natural harbor I wondered if I need that final blow from …?…

…I can’t quite comprehend why this vacation is such an emotional ghost train. So much turmoil and sadness in paradise…

…Maybe it’s because finally I have time to feel and think. In this beautiful place the demons come out and play, and I chase them but out of breath I go down on my knees. It’s no more a choice to allow myself to feel the pain, I’m at its mercy. I lost too much. Too much that can never be replaced. And the worst part is being helpless. I so wish I could have at least one final conversation with …. I wish … would give me a reason, just one. I wish … wouldn’t pretend I don’t exist. It’s my oldest wounds that never heal. I can take almost everything. I’m a fighter and a tough cookie. But I can’t digest being left without being given a reason. And I really can’t stand myself giving … so much power over me…

…A stormy day – how appropriate for my state of mind.  My vacation is nearing its end. I have all of tomorrow left and the next evening I’ll fly home. I can’t say I feel relaxed and recharged. Mostly I feel sad. I feel as if I’ve missed out of so much in my life. Love, mostly love. I missed out of so much love I will not have enough time left to catch up on what I missed. I fear I will die one day and never have lived a real and satisfying love, a relationship in which I felt at home. I fear I’ll write all of those happy endings I’ll never see in my own life…

…”I’m stunned by the beauty of what you write.  I’m not surprised, only stunned.  I’ve read your writing before, and I’ve been stunned before… Take one last look, and think some last thoughts about your visit in this beautiful place, and about what it’s given you… I certainly hope you’re less burdened than when you came.” suggests … after I sent my thought splatter. And I know … has a point here.

…I see the turqoise and emerald and deep blue sea as I watch a plane pass through the milky sky. I hear the gentle sway of silky waters, the whisper of the salty breeze in Berlin’s traffic murmur. I’m back, I’m different yet alike, a little calmer, a little more understanding, a little more gentle with myself. Maybe I wear too many colors, and my heart too loosely on my tongue. My love is as deep as the sea, my truthfulness as sharp as the cliffs, my sadness a crystal and my sensitivity as sweet as the abundant blossoms of the island I just left. Maybe I’m too much for … and then never enough. But I’m not half, I’m a complete human. And I’m real.