There is no veracity without facing what tortures the soul just as there is no light without darkness. Try it, shine a light on whatever you like, and it will cast a shadow and so make you aware of the dark.
I know it is not comfortable to look at the dark but yet, every time I hear someone tell me I should always look at the bright side of life and that happiness is a decision I have to make, I wonder do they really see me? Do they understand that looking at life and at what it offers (and sometimes makes us swallow) from all sides is not about being miserable or happy but about opting for the whole experience? Do they have any idea that I couldn’t write another book if I choose to only see happiness when in all honesty each story is about light conquering dark?
Of course it’s easier to say X is too exhausting, too negative. And Y is just too clingy. Oh and Z, yeah Z always wants too much. And and and… Yes, it is way easier than to have a look at why we feel this way about X, Y and Z.
It took me more than half a life to realize that often when someone stamps someone else with the tag “negative”, what they really mean is uncomfortable. X, Y and Z are not “wrong” but they simply seem to have that talent to put us in front of what we don’t want to face.
So, what is it? What kind of spot do they touch inside of us? What is it that we have to brush them off? What lies there hidden in our soul that we don’t want to face? Maybe it’s the simple fact that they can let themselves get involved while we don’t? They are in for a real encounter and we are not?
Because this is what happens when you really get involved with someone: You get into each other deeper and deeper as conversation gets more meaningful, more intimate.
Not everyone can stand this kind of closeness. Not everyone wants intimacy. Many simply can’t face the demons that linger deep inside or they are too afraid to let them come out because they fear the other one will shy away, don’t like them anymore or worse.
Many fear nothing more than veracity.
But what is friendship worth if it consists of distance and shallowness? Is it enough to have fair weather friends? Is it better to carry the weight alone that life dishes out? Isn’t it only half a life if we refuse to get in the ring with sadness, hurt and all bad things? Don’t we isolate all those who are sad and miserable when we expect everyone to be happy at all times? Don’t we take the color out of life?
And what are we really implying when we say you decide if you are happy or not? Aren’t we dishing out guilt? Saying, hey, if you’re not happy it’s all your fault?
How arrogant. How ignorant. As if everything in life is under our control and our decision. As if it only takes the “right attitude”. As if it is wrong to be sad. As if hurting and sadness, and hell yes, even melancholy are weaknesses.
They are not. All those feelings are what makes us human. We have a right to hurt. And just because we hurt doesn’t mean we won’t be happy tomorrow. It doesn’t mean in general we are a miserable person.
If we only see light, we rob ourselves off that wonderful feeling to have conquered the dark.
I don’t care much for shallow waters. I’m much more interested in all the fish, even the sharks and the beasts roaming where light struggles to reach and often loses. I dive deep, search for what is buried, and bring to the surface what should not stay hidden. I want real encounters, real relationships. I want the fire, even if it burns.
If you don’t like this, it’s okay with me. But don’t expect me to stay on the beach with you, dipping toes into lukewarm waters, nurturing the illusion that life is easy if you only choose it. I’ve been there, tried to bend myself for years of my life and could never stop looking out at the ocean with a burning desire for depth and the sad feeling how much I miss veracity and the real encounter with another soul.
And yes, I come in all sorts of colors, from very dark to bright ones. I bring shadow and light. I want the whole thing, not just the glowing easy side of life.
Don’t expect me to change colors for you. I’m not just a fair weather friend with whom you can stay in your comfort zone at any given moment, and I’m not really interested in them. I want to grab life with bare hands and don’t fear the darkness. I need the dark to have the light and vice versa.
I won’t be who I’m not – not for you or anyone else.