Think you know me

Think you know me and be wrong a million times. That’s what I’d want to tell you. And of the beauty when it all comes crashing down on me. Of moments in the shadows so vulnerably sheltered. Of all the times I watched you walk away.

Just walk away.

If I could I’d tell you of precious seconds when all that I’m hiding from comes in full view. Of three thousand tiny blades in a row between your skin and mine. Of a world that stops spinning as I’m sliding sideways into that most magical abyss. Of my hand that longs to rest on your chest to know the heart that is beating inside. Just a moment.

Just a moment.

If you’d let me I’d tell you all about how you sneak under my skin. And how all my instincts scream and send me running. Of how all of this can be so wrong while it is so right. And how bittersweet it is to run away to feel nothing when feeling way too much.

Way too much.

If you’d listen, I’d share what you mean to me. I’d make amends and unveil how often I failed, crashed you beneath that army of wrong feet that is mine. I’d let the brightest lights come up for you to see all those beautiful intentions my soul holds so tight to my heart for you.

Just for you.

And then I’d softly whisper that I have never been ready for this. That my heart is not ready to love you. And how I keep cutting myself off of you, break free and keep running until I fall back into your gravity. Again and again. And how I would do it all over and over again.

Until my very end.

Think you know me and be wrong a million times.

My heart on the sleeve right beside my scars but I dance and laugh and show all my colors so loudly that you’ll never see me. Not the turbulence, not the runaway child. Not the fool who never learned to trust. Not the coward running into the fire. Not the scaredy-cat doing pirouettes and throwing glittering magic hoods each time you look at me..

Think you know me and be wrong a million times.

If I only could I’d crack that image you harbor of me. Put back the pieces together before they can cut you. Make you see how everything gets better when all those cracks let the light in. But you won’t let me. And I don’t know if I could.

Don’t know if I ever could.

Open arms when my heart is not ready to love you. No, I’m not ready for this. Eyes wide shut I fold up my arms and close off my heart. Give it to wolfes, throw this head back and spit in the wind. I dance and sing as this world ends. To you looking at me and giving nothing away of what you might think.

Do you really think this is me? Me giving no care?

Think you know me and be wrong a million times.

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